Uncle said it was a game

I WAS raped by my uncle when I was in Standard 3. I was 10 years old at the time.

He lived with us, my two sisters, mum and dad. Every day he used to ask me to call him “my darling”, “sweetheart” and “love”.

He said it was a game and if I won there would be a huge prize waiting for me.

This went on for about two months. Then the July holidays arrived and he said our game was coming to an end.

He wanted me to make time to be alone with him, so we could end this game of his. I couldn’t do it.

Unfortunately, one day during the holidays my little sister fell sick and mum had to take her to the doctor. We were left alone at home.

It was then that he said we would end our game.

He took me to a sofa bed mum had, and raped me.

I was such a silly girl. I couldn’t understand why this game that was supposed to be fun ended with so much hurt and pain.

When his deed was done, he gave me a toilet roll to clean myself.

He then said I was not allowed to tell anyone about our game or there would be big problems with my mum and dad.

He said he would tell them I forced him to play this game.

Being a silly child, I couldn’t understand what happened.

All I knew was that it hurt. When mum came back with my little sister, he kept looking at me angrily.

A few weeks later, my teacher took us to the school hall for a talk. A group of rape survivors had come to school to explain what rape was. I sat rooted to my chair.

The very same thing that they were talking about, I had gone through. They then asked children to come through and speak confidentially. I just couldn’t.

I couldn’t believe that I let something like that happen to me. I was disgusted and so ashamed.

When I came home from school that day, I spoke to him outside our home.

I explained to him what they said at school and asked how could he do that to me.

I also said I was going to tell my mum and dad.

He then pushed me against our mango tree and said if I told anyone, I would die and he would do the same to my small sister. I had to protect my sister. A few weeks later, he moved out of our house.

He kept coming home, but I never spoke to him. I always hid away.

About 10 years later, he came to see me. I was alone at home.

He said he had come to apologise for what he did to me. I told him I could never forgive him.

He asked if I told anyone and I said no. I could not cause my mum so much pain.

He said he won’t be around much longer but one day when I could, I must tell my mum.

That Friday night he committed suicide. On Sunday, his funeral was held at our house. I couldn’t look at his face or shed a tear for him. It wasn’t justice for me but I was so glad he was dead.

About eight years ago, I finally gathered the courage to tell my mum. She was devastated but I made her promise not to speak about it again.

I am much older now and I still carry this shame with me.

I have had one boyfriend in my life and we could never be close so he left me.

Just the mere thought of a guy getting close to me disgusts me to this day.

There’s this anger and hurt I carry around me that never goes away.

To all those out there who have been through this, my advice is please, please get help as soon as you can. The scars of rape never leave you.

My advice, seek help as soon as you can after being raped.

I was young and worried about how my family and society would react. I had not realised how it would impact my life later on.

Go for counselling as soon as you can. I wish I did. After all these years, I find myself unable to still seek out help. It’s easier now with help being so readily available.

Back then it was almost a taboo subject. Speak to your family.

They can be your pillar. When times are darkest, your family will always be there.

The pain will always be with you. You just have to deal with it from the beginning.